letting go

I find myself pondering life at night after everyone has gone to bed and I'm sitting alone in my room; not just the present or the future, but what has happened in the past. The past seems to captivate my mind, as if it's something that I can't seem to wrap my mind around. I know what happened, but I always seem to question why something happened or feeling guilt for something that I can't change. I'm not saying I did anything horrible or something that goes against my beliefs, but there's always those little things that catch my attention and bring feelings of guilt, remorse, and unworthiness. Things that don't really matter, like old boyfriends or fights with friends that have been resolved, always occupy most of my thoughts. Tonight was one of those nights. I was having a "heart to heart" with a friend when I started thinking about the past. I got really quiet and started feeling the need to try to change past events. That's when I realized that I need to let go; I need to forget and move forward.


Letting go of your past doesn't mean you don't remember what happened and the consequences, whether good or bad, that followed; it simply means that you allow yourself to accept what has happened and not let it "bring you down." In fact, you should always remember what you've done in the past so as to learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. It's the feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, and pity that you should forget. You shouldn't let those feelings from the past affect your present and future. Everybody is human and we all make mistakes. It's a daunting task that is ever-present and is never easy, but it shouldn't be avoided. I think letting go is part of growing up. It's a part of going through life, of experiencing everything you can.


Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
- Author Unknown 

Growing Up

Growing up and moving on is never easy, but then again who ever said it was? You never really know how much you've changed until you look back at everything you did and thought while in high school; it's only then that you realize that you are nothing like you were only a year ago. The jokes you laugh at change, the type of people you associate with are completely different, and you're sense of responsibility is much straighter than before (hopefully). Unfortunately, that greater sense of responsibility comes the difficult tasks of making decisions for yourself. Those include, forgiving, forgetting, and moving on. That's exactly what makes growing up so difficult.

I would be more than happy to be a kid again where one minute you're mad about something and the next you've forgotten completely why you were mad or that you were mad at all. Of course, that's not how life is; the older you get the harder it is to forgive and forget. So, in order for me to truly grow up, I've started to compile a list of things I must do. I guess you could say I've decided to transform into an adult. And because I didn't write it down when I started the list I don't remember everything, so I'll just tell you what I can remember thus far.

1. Go to class much more often and actually study.
2. Stop using the word "douche." It's not nice and not very lady-like.
3. Watch my somewhat short temper. That includes not taking things so literal all the time.
4. Be patient with everyone no matter what the circumstance.
5. Do things I've never done before.
6. Break my texting addiction.

I think that's a decent list to begin my transformation. Growing up is hard and definitely scary, but everybody needs to do it at some point in time. I figure that if I start now it won't be so hard or rushed later.

Growing up requires you to learn how to forgive others, but you don't really grow up unless you learn to forgive yourself for things that you've done. It's not just forgiving yourself for the "big" things you've done, but for the little as well; you have to forgive yourself for past boyfriends, girlfriends, fights, and comments you've made. Alden Nowlan said it pretty well: “The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” I'm not saying I'm wise, or even close to it. It's just some food for thought from a girl trying to grow up and move forward in life.