going, going, gone.

Leaving those you love never gets easier. As I sit here packing all of my stuff (again) I'm realizing that it may be the last time. That scares me so much. I'm not sure how I'm going to live without the people that I'm with everyday (or how I'm going to be able to afford everything). It's like I have to find a new best friend, but she can never be replaced. And having to pack everything isn't the greatest thing, either. I've never been a huge fan of going through everything I own and stuffing it into boxes and suitcases. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love all of my friends and no matter where I am you'll never be replaced. I'm so grateful to have friends like you; friends who are always there no matter what happens or how late it is. Friends who are willing to do the most random stuff that most of the time has no rhyme or reason. I love you guys and I'll never forget you.

Lost and Found

I always heard people talking about "finding themselves," but I thought it was just some person saying something because they didn't really have any other reason for taking some break or cutting themselves off from the world. I've recently discovered that people really do "find themselves." It's all about figuring out what you like to do, becoming comfortable with yourself, and learning to admire everything around you.

I've found that one of the best ways to do that is to try to find something positive in everything including the most tedious and boring jobs. It's hard, but it's only then that you begin to appreciate what's around you and what you have. After you begin to do that, then you start looking at yourself differently. You begin to see things that other people saw that you thought they were just saying, but you also begin to see your flaws. That's the killer part. But, on the bright side, that gives you a chance to change those flaws and become the person you really wanna be. I feel like this only happened because I felt so dead inside; I felt as though I wasn't truly living my life, that I was just going through the motions. I was tired of feeling that way and decided that I needed to do something about it. Unfortunately, I didn't know what that was, so it continued. Then one night as I was thinking, like I usually am, I decided I didn't like "Me." "Me" had to change, so I did. I look at life differently and I can honestly say I'm much happier.

In this pursuit of happiness I realized that I have amazing friends. I told one of my friends that I was planning on moving to a different school/state and she was super supportive. I can talk to my friends about absolutely anything, and nothing is better than that. I'm so happy that I have these friends. I don't know what I would do or what I'd become if I didn't.

I wanna feel a car crash
I wanna feel a capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel a car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright.
~Matt Nathanson
"Car Crash"

back home

I have now been home for a grand total of five days and I can already tell everything is different. Sure, I'm in the same house with the same room, same friends, same possessions, same everything, and yet so different. It's feels as if this isn't my life anymore; it has become a life that someone else lives and I'm only visiting. It feels as if in Lewiston I'm supposed to be an adult. You know, grow up, work, and be more mature. In Boise it felt more like I was able to still be immature in a more mature way. Oxymoron right? Well, it's like this. In Boise I didn't have a job other than school and I when I wasn't in class or doing homework I was out with my friends; I didn't have to wait for them to get out of school or be home at a certain time because "it's a school night." Nobody asked questions about why we wanted burgers at midnight or felt the need to go to Winco and buy sour gummie worms or milk and oreos. Here, there are always questions to ask. Parents have to know where we're going, who's going, and what time we're coming back. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with everyone, but it just feels so different now.


I was talking to some friends not too long ago and it occurred to me that I'm basically homeless. I'm not homeless in the sense that I live by the river and only have a trash bag full of holes that contains only a few possessions; homeless in the sense that I belong neither here nor there. I don't have a permanent place to live in Boise, but I no longer live in Lewiston. It's a rather odd feeling that I do not enjoy. But, like everything else in life, it too shall pass. I guess I'm just truly realizing that life is definitely not going to be what it was in high school. Life goes on, and I just need to start going with it.

letting go

I find myself pondering life at night after everyone has gone to bed and I'm sitting alone in my room; not just the present or the future, but what has happened in the past. The past seems to captivate my mind, as if it's something that I can't seem to wrap my mind around. I know what happened, but I always seem to question why something happened or feeling guilt for something that I can't change. I'm not saying I did anything horrible or something that goes against my beliefs, but there's always those little things that catch my attention and bring feelings of guilt, remorse, and unworthiness. Things that don't really matter, like old boyfriends or fights with friends that have been resolved, always occupy most of my thoughts. Tonight was one of those nights. I was having a "heart to heart" with a friend when I started thinking about the past. I got really quiet and started feeling the need to try to change past events. That's when I realized that I need to let go; I need to forget and move forward.


Letting go of your past doesn't mean you don't remember what happened and the consequences, whether good or bad, that followed; it simply means that you allow yourself to accept what has happened and not let it "bring you down." In fact, you should always remember what you've done in the past so as to learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. It's the feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, and pity that you should forget. You shouldn't let those feelings from the past affect your present and future. Everybody is human and we all make mistakes. It's a daunting task that is ever-present and is never easy, but it shouldn't be avoided. I think letting go is part of growing up. It's a part of going through life, of experiencing everything you can.


Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
- Author Unknown 

Growing Up

Growing up and moving on is never easy, but then again who ever said it was? You never really know how much you've changed until you look back at everything you did and thought while in high school; it's only then that you realize that you are nothing like you were only a year ago. The jokes you laugh at change, the type of people you associate with are completely different, and you're sense of responsibility is much straighter than before (hopefully). Unfortunately, that greater sense of responsibility comes the difficult tasks of making decisions for yourself. Those include, forgiving, forgetting, and moving on. That's exactly what makes growing up so difficult.

I would be more than happy to be a kid again where one minute you're mad about something and the next you've forgotten completely why you were mad or that you were mad at all. Of course, that's not how life is; the older you get the harder it is to forgive and forget. So, in order for me to truly grow up, I've started to compile a list of things I must do. I guess you could say I've decided to transform into an adult. And because I didn't write it down when I started the list I don't remember everything, so I'll just tell you what I can remember thus far.

1. Go to class much more often and actually study.
2. Stop using the word "douche." It's not nice and not very lady-like.
3. Watch my somewhat short temper. That includes not taking things so literal all the time.
4. Be patient with everyone no matter what the circumstance.
5. Do things I've never done before.
6. Break my texting addiction.

I think that's a decent list to begin my transformation. Growing up is hard and definitely scary, but everybody needs to do it at some point in time. I figure that if I start now it won't be so hard or rushed later.

Growing up requires you to learn how to forgive others, but you don't really grow up unless you learn to forgive yourself for things that you've done. It's not just forgiving yourself for the "big" things you've done, but for the little as well; you have to forgive yourself for past boyfriends, girlfriends, fights, and comments you've made. Alden Nowlan said it pretty well: “The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” I'm not saying I'm wise, or even close to it. It's just some food for thought from a girl trying to grow up and move forward in life.

morals, or the lack thereof

They say that you'll have to face struggles and problems in life that will go against your beliefs, morals, and throw you out of your comfort zone; but you never really think about how hard that is until something like that actually comes along.  Sure, you say you're very set in what you believe and nothing will ever make you do what you feel you shouldn't do, but that's never how it really goes.  Something hard comes up and it ends up being that you don't want to make a big deal out of it or you're afraid of the consequences so you go with the flow and feel guilty in the end.  I've recently encountered such a struggle, but rather than sitting back and not taking a stand, I said something.  Now I'm having to attempt to explain to a teacher that reading something I feel is very vulgar and would be worse than watching an R-rated movie is not something that I want or should be doing.

The response my friend and I got after emailing our teacher and explaining to her our concerns was basically that we are immature and need to realize that sex is a everywhere and that we need to accept it and get over it.  Not only did that upset us both just for the fact that she called us immature, but that she fails to realize that we already realize and accept that sex is everywhere and that describing it graphically in a book doesn't add to the themes or the literary value of the book.  In fact, we feel that it takes away from what it's trying to say.  There are plenty of great novels that say the same things, have the same themes, but don't go into detail about what goes on in the bedroom.  By adding such vulgar and graphic scenes, it forces the readers focus away from the theme/point of the book and places it on the physical aspect of the book.

To make things even worse, the book uses many different profane words that I do not use and try to steer clear of.  One of which I have only heard used maybe thrice and DO NOT tolerate.  It is extremely vulgar and shouldn't be used at all.  I understand that for some books, such as The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, using the N-word is appropriate because it is used to show how slavery and discrimination are awful things that shouldn't be present in society, but the words used in this vulgar book that I am being forced to read is more than I can handle.  I'm not sure exactly how to go about fighting this battle.  I don't really like pulling the "religion" card, but if I have to I will.  Why do people not see how filthy, vulgar, unimaginative, and immoral these things are?  I just don't understand.

thanks a MILLION

Yesterday I turned 19 and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. Ok, I admit, getting flowers would have made it better, but nothing's ever perfect. I woke up in the best mood and my phone didn't stop going off all day with happy birthday texts and updates from facebook. It was so nice to know my friends and family love me. Thank you all so much! You're all amazing and that's why I love ya! (:

Today's agenda includes using my sweet 3D sidewalk chalk that my dear Rebecca gave me yesterday. And that, of course, means pictures galore. And, if I'm not mistaken, the mall may also be on the agenda. I shall consider this birthday day 2, hehe. Not because I feel the need to have two days devoted to me, but because it still feels like my birthday and it's such and fantastic day.