back home

I have now been home for a grand total of five days and I can already tell everything is different. Sure, I'm in the same house with the same room, same friends, same possessions, same everything, and yet so different. It's feels as if this isn't my life anymore; it has become a life that someone else lives and I'm only visiting. It feels as if in Lewiston I'm supposed to be an adult. You know, grow up, work, and be more mature. In Boise it felt more like I was able to still be immature in a more mature way. Oxymoron right? Well, it's like this. In Boise I didn't have a job other than school and I when I wasn't in class or doing homework I was out with my friends; I didn't have to wait for them to get out of school or be home at a certain time because "it's a school night." Nobody asked questions about why we wanted burgers at midnight or felt the need to go to Winco and buy sour gummie worms or milk and oreos. Here, there are always questions to ask. Parents have to know where we're going, who's going, and what time we're coming back. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with everyone, but it just feels so different now.


I was talking to some friends not too long ago and it occurred to me that I'm basically homeless. I'm not homeless in the sense that I live by the river and only have a trash bag full of holes that contains only a few possessions; homeless in the sense that I belong neither here nor there. I don't have a permanent place to live in Boise, but I no longer live in Lewiston. It's a rather odd feeling that I do not enjoy. But, like everything else in life, it too shall pass. I guess I'm just truly realizing that life is definitely not going to be what it was in high school. Life goes on, and I just need to start going with it.

letting go

I find myself pondering life at night after everyone has gone to bed and I'm sitting alone in my room; not just the present or the future, but what has happened in the past. The past seems to captivate my mind, as if it's something that I can't seem to wrap my mind around. I know what happened, but I always seem to question why something happened or feeling guilt for something that I can't change. I'm not saying I did anything horrible or something that goes against my beliefs, but there's always those little things that catch my attention and bring feelings of guilt, remorse, and unworthiness. Things that don't really matter, like old boyfriends or fights with friends that have been resolved, always occupy most of my thoughts. Tonight was one of those nights. I was having a "heart to heart" with a friend when I started thinking about the past. I got really quiet and started feeling the need to try to change past events. That's when I realized that I need to let go; I need to forget and move forward.


Letting go of your past doesn't mean you don't remember what happened and the consequences, whether good or bad, that followed; it simply means that you allow yourself to accept what has happened and not let it "bring you down." In fact, you should always remember what you've done in the past so as to learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. It's the feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, and pity that you should forget. You shouldn't let those feelings from the past affect your present and future. Everybody is human and we all make mistakes. It's a daunting task that is ever-present and is never easy, but it shouldn't be avoided. I think letting go is part of growing up. It's a part of going through life, of experiencing everything you can.


Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
- Author Unknown 

Growing Up

Growing up and moving on is never easy, but then again who ever said it was? You never really know how much you've changed until you look back at everything you did and thought while in high school; it's only then that you realize that you are nothing like you were only a year ago. The jokes you laugh at change, the type of people you associate with are completely different, and you're sense of responsibility is much straighter than before (hopefully). Unfortunately, that greater sense of responsibility comes the difficult tasks of making decisions for yourself. Those include, forgiving, forgetting, and moving on. That's exactly what makes growing up so difficult.

I would be more than happy to be a kid again where one minute you're mad about something and the next you've forgotten completely why you were mad or that you were mad at all. Of course, that's not how life is; the older you get the harder it is to forgive and forget. So, in order for me to truly grow up, I've started to compile a list of things I must do. I guess you could say I've decided to transform into an adult. And because I didn't write it down when I started the list I don't remember everything, so I'll just tell you what I can remember thus far.

1. Go to class much more often and actually study.
2. Stop using the word "douche." It's not nice and not very lady-like.
3. Watch my somewhat short temper. That includes not taking things so literal all the time.
4. Be patient with everyone no matter what the circumstance.
5. Do things I've never done before.
6. Break my texting addiction.

I think that's a decent list to begin my transformation. Growing up is hard and definitely scary, but everybody needs to do it at some point in time. I figure that if I start now it won't be so hard or rushed later.

Growing up requires you to learn how to forgive others, but you don't really grow up unless you learn to forgive yourself for things that you've done. It's not just forgiving yourself for the "big" things you've done, but for the little as well; you have to forgive yourself for past boyfriends, girlfriends, fights, and comments you've made. Alden Nowlan said it pretty well: “The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” I'm not saying I'm wise, or even close to it. It's just some food for thought from a girl trying to grow up and move forward in life.

morals, or the lack thereof

They say that you'll have to face struggles and problems in life that will go against your beliefs, morals, and throw you out of your comfort zone; but you never really think about how hard that is until something like that actually comes along.  Sure, you say you're very set in what you believe and nothing will ever make you do what you feel you shouldn't do, but that's never how it really goes.  Something hard comes up and it ends up being that you don't want to make a big deal out of it or you're afraid of the consequences so you go with the flow and feel guilty in the end.  I've recently encountered such a struggle, but rather than sitting back and not taking a stand, I said something.  Now I'm having to attempt to explain to a teacher that reading something I feel is very vulgar and would be worse than watching an R-rated movie is not something that I want or should be doing.

The response my friend and I got after emailing our teacher and explaining to her our concerns was basically that we are immature and need to realize that sex is a everywhere and that we need to accept it and get over it.  Not only did that upset us both just for the fact that she called us immature, but that she fails to realize that we already realize and accept that sex is everywhere and that describing it graphically in a book doesn't add to the themes or the literary value of the book.  In fact, we feel that it takes away from what it's trying to say.  There are plenty of great novels that say the same things, have the same themes, but don't go into detail about what goes on in the bedroom.  By adding such vulgar and graphic scenes, it forces the readers focus away from the theme/point of the book and places it on the physical aspect of the book.

To make things even worse, the book uses many different profane words that I do not use and try to steer clear of.  One of which I have only heard used maybe thrice and DO NOT tolerate.  It is extremely vulgar and shouldn't be used at all.  I understand that for some books, such as The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, using the N-word is appropriate because it is used to show how slavery and discrimination are awful things that shouldn't be present in society, but the words used in this vulgar book that I am being forced to read is more than I can handle.  I'm not sure exactly how to go about fighting this battle.  I don't really like pulling the "religion" card, but if I have to I will.  Why do people not see how filthy, vulgar, unimaginative, and immoral these things are?  I just don't understand.

thanks a MILLION

Yesterday I turned 19 and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. Ok, I admit, getting flowers would have made it better, but nothing's ever perfect. I woke up in the best mood and my phone didn't stop going off all day with happy birthday texts and updates from facebook. It was so nice to know my friends and family love me. Thank you all so much! You're all amazing and that's why I love ya! (:

Today's agenda includes using my sweet 3D sidewalk chalk that my dear Rebecca gave me yesterday. And that, of course, means pictures galore. And, if I'm not mistaken, the mall may also be on the agenda. I shall consider this birthday day 2, hehe. Not because I feel the need to have two days devoted to me, but because it still feels like my birthday and it's such and fantastic day.

Why?

Why is it that even when you know you've been rejected, for lack of a better word, and sort of played that it's hard to get over? No amount of chocolate, ice cream, frosting, chick flicks, or music seems to make it just disappear. That stupid feeling is like those horrid mosquitoes when you're camping; they just keep coming back every five seconds and you cannot for the life of you get rid of them! I just honestly don't understand why guys think it's OK to do that to girls. Then there's the predicament of whether or not I should tell him off. Would that really make me feel better? Or would it just give me temporary satisfaction that then leaves me with a feeling of being a horrible immature person? I don't really want to know, but I do. I dislike this immensely.

And, I want to bake a pie, but that is not happening. Sad. Oh well, fewer calories for me to consume. (:

alice in wonderland

I just saw Alice In Wonderland in 3D (unfortunately not in imax) and it was pretty much amazing. I was slightly disappointed when I figured out that the music from the soundtrack, "Almost Alice,"was only playing during the credits, but none the less it was amazing. Then again, I really like Tim Burton's work. I think the movie would have been slightly better had it not been as late as it was and if I had been in a slightly better mood. Nothing puts a damper on watching a crazy movie like being all upset about stuff and having more than a million things on your mind that you just can't seem to get rid of.

It was my buddy Justin's 25th birthday today, so in honor of his becoming an "old fart," I baked him brownies, and a bunch of us went to see Alice in Wonderland. All was fine and well; we surprised him when he came home and we were all having a good time just hanging around the apartment. Justin and I started talking and, once again, I started thinking about the whole boy situation. I have officially decided that I was, once again, played. Guys say that girls give off wrong impressions, but they do too. In fact, they lead you on and tell you things and don't mean a single word of it. I really want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and say that he's different, that he really meant what he said, but due to his actions I have to go with my gut and just accept the fact that he lied and I was stupid enough to believe it. I haven't quite figured out why it is that that seems to happen to me all the time. Is it dumb for me to trust people easily? I don't want to be one of those people who generalizes and judges people right away, but I'm starting to think that the only way for me to not get hurt like this anymore is to do just that.

I think the best medicine for all of this is to just go home, which is exactly what I'm doing; I'm going home for the weekend. Sure, I have a huge mountain of homework that I'll have to do while I'm at home, but I need to go home so that I can see my family and talk everything out with one of my best friends. She's like my little sister, but day or night we're there for each other and I couldn't ask for a better friend. She may not understand everything, but she's there when I need her most. That's how you tell who your best friends are; if they're there for you any time day or night no matter what the reason and they don't judge you for anything you do then you've got yourself a best friend and you should never let them go. My best friend almost made me cry, but it was a happy cry. It was nice to finally hear that no matter what, she was my best friend and nothing I could tell her would change that and that she would always be there for me. With all this uncertainty that was just what I needed to hear. I sometimes wish I went to school back home just so I could be around people like that. I do have amazing friends here, but when everything in your new home is so crazy and everything is changing and nothing seems to be changing in your favor, the people and places from your past seem to be the only thing that can comfort you.

People say you should let go of your past, but I don't think you really do. You shouldn't make the same mistakes, which may be difficult depending on the situation, but you should never forget what you've done or the people who passed through your life. They not only are shape decisions made at the time, but they shape how you think, act, and help define who you are. I'm fighting to keep something that I do need to let go, but I will never let myself forget what's happened and who was involved. Doing so would only set me up to make the same mistakes, but to never progress mentally and emotionally. That's something I think everyone needs to work on. So for now I'll continue trying to let go of everything that's happened and hope that I can do so quickly. Sometimes I wish we could feel no sorrow or pain, but that would leave us with no joy or pleasure. Without such joy, sorrow, pain, and pleasure, we would be left with no emotion. With no emotion, we become living robots, doing everything because somebody said it's what we should do. How is that life?