going, going, gone.

Leaving those you love never gets easier. As I sit here packing all of my stuff (again) I'm realizing that it may be the last time. That scares me so much. I'm not sure how I'm going to live without the people that I'm with everyday (or how I'm going to be able to afford everything). It's like I have to find a new best friend, but she can never be replaced. And having to pack everything isn't the greatest thing, either. I've never been a huge fan of going through everything I own and stuffing it into boxes and suitcases. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love all of my friends and no matter where I am you'll never be replaced. I'm so grateful to have friends like you; friends who are always there no matter what happens or how late it is. Friends who are willing to do the most random stuff that most of the time has no rhyme or reason. I love you guys and I'll never forget you.

Lost and Found

I always heard people talking about "finding themselves," but I thought it was just some person saying something because they didn't really have any other reason for taking some break or cutting themselves off from the world. I've recently discovered that people really do "find themselves." It's all about figuring out what you like to do, becoming comfortable with yourself, and learning to admire everything around you.

I've found that one of the best ways to do that is to try to find something positive in everything including the most tedious and boring jobs. It's hard, but it's only then that you begin to appreciate what's around you and what you have. After you begin to do that, then you start looking at yourself differently. You begin to see things that other people saw that you thought they were just saying, but you also begin to see your flaws. That's the killer part. But, on the bright side, that gives you a chance to change those flaws and become the person you really wanna be. I feel like this only happened because I felt so dead inside; I felt as though I wasn't truly living my life, that I was just going through the motions. I was tired of feeling that way and decided that I needed to do something about it. Unfortunately, I didn't know what that was, so it continued. Then one night as I was thinking, like I usually am, I decided I didn't like "Me." "Me" had to change, so I did. I look at life differently and I can honestly say I'm much happier.

In this pursuit of happiness I realized that I have amazing friends. I told one of my friends that I was planning on moving to a different school/state and she was super supportive. I can talk to my friends about absolutely anything, and nothing is better than that. I'm so happy that I have these friends. I don't know what I would do or what I'd become if I didn't.

I wanna feel a car crash
I wanna feel a capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel a car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright.
~Matt Nathanson
"Car Crash"

back home

I have now been home for a grand total of five days and I can already tell everything is different. Sure, I'm in the same house with the same room, same friends, same possessions, same everything, and yet so different. It's feels as if this isn't my life anymore; it has become a life that someone else lives and I'm only visiting. It feels as if in Lewiston I'm supposed to be an adult. You know, grow up, work, and be more mature. In Boise it felt more like I was able to still be immature in a more mature way. Oxymoron right? Well, it's like this. In Boise I didn't have a job other than school and I when I wasn't in class or doing homework I was out with my friends; I didn't have to wait for them to get out of school or be home at a certain time because "it's a school night." Nobody asked questions about why we wanted burgers at midnight or felt the need to go to Winco and buy sour gummie worms or milk and oreos. Here, there are always questions to ask. Parents have to know where we're going, who's going, and what time we're coming back. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with everyone, but it just feels so different now.


I was talking to some friends not too long ago and it occurred to me that I'm basically homeless. I'm not homeless in the sense that I live by the river and only have a trash bag full of holes that contains only a few possessions; homeless in the sense that I belong neither here nor there. I don't have a permanent place to live in Boise, but I no longer live in Lewiston. It's a rather odd feeling that I do not enjoy. But, like everything else in life, it too shall pass. I guess I'm just truly realizing that life is definitely not going to be what it was in high school. Life goes on, and I just need to start going with it.

letting go

I find myself pondering life at night after everyone has gone to bed and I'm sitting alone in my room; not just the present or the future, but what has happened in the past. The past seems to captivate my mind, as if it's something that I can't seem to wrap my mind around. I know what happened, but I always seem to question why something happened or feeling guilt for something that I can't change. I'm not saying I did anything horrible or something that goes against my beliefs, but there's always those little things that catch my attention and bring feelings of guilt, remorse, and unworthiness. Things that don't really matter, like old boyfriends or fights with friends that have been resolved, always occupy most of my thoughts. Tonight was one of those nights. I was having a "heart to heart" with a friend when I started thinking about the past. I got really quiet and started feeling the need to try to change past events. That's when I realized that I need to let go; I need to forget and move forward.


Letting go of your past doesn't mean you don't remember what happened and the consequences, whether good or bad, that followed; it simply means that you allow yourself to accept what has happened and not let it "bring you down." In fact, you should always remember what you've done in the past so as to learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. It's the feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, and pity that you should forget. You shouldn't let those feelings from the past affect your present and future. Everybody is human and we all make mistakes. It's a daunting task that is ever-present and is never easy, but it shouldn't be avoided. I think letting go is part of growing up. It's a part of going through life, of experiencing everything you can.


Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
- Author Unknown 

Growing Up

Growing up and moving on is never easy, but then again who ever said it was? You never really know how much you've changed until you look back at everything you did and thought while in high school; it's only then that you realize that you are nothing like you were only a year ago. The jokes you laugh at change, the type of people you associate with are completely different, and you're sense of responsibility is much straighter than before (hopefully). Unfortunately, that greater sense of responsibility comes the difficult tasks of making decisions for yourself. Those include, forgiving, forgetting, and moving on. That's exactly what makes growing up so difficult.

I would be more than happy to be a kid again where one minute you're mad about something and the next you've forgotten completely why you were mad or that you were mad at all. Of course, that's not how life is; the older you get the harder it is to forgive and forget. So, in order for me to truly grow up, I've started to compile a list of things I must do. I guess you could say I've decided to transform into an adult. And because I didn't write it down when I started the list I don't remember everything, so I'll just tell you what I can remember thus far.

1. Go to class much more often and actually study.
2. Stop using the word "douche." It's not nice and not very lady-like.
3. Watch my somewhat short temper. That includes not taking things so literal all the time.
4. Be patient with everyone no matter what the circumstance.
5. Do things I've never done before.
6. Break my texting addiction.

I think that's a decent list to begin my transformation. Growing up is hard and definitely scary, but everybody needs to do it at some point in time. I figure that if I start now it won't be so hard or rushed later.

Growing up requires you to learn how to forgive others, but you don't really grow up unless you learn to forgive yourself for things that you've done. It's not just forgiving yourself for the "big" things you've done, but for the little as well; you have to forgive yourself for past boyfriends, girlfriends, fights, and comments you've made. Alden Nowlan said it pretty well: “The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” I'm not saying I'm wise, or even close to it. It's just some food for thought from a girl trying to grow up and move forward in life.

morals, or the lack thereof

They say that you'll have to face struggles and problems in life that will go against your beliefs, morals, and throw you out of your comfort zone; but you never really think about how hard that is until something like that actually comes along.  Sure, you say you're very set in what you believe and nothing will ever make you do what you feel you shouldn't do, but that's never how it really goes.  Something hard comes up and it ends up being that you don't want to make a big deal out of it or you're afraid of the consequences so you go with the flow and feel guilty in the end.  I've recently encountered such a struggle, but rather than sitting back and not taking a stand, I said something.  Now I'm having to attempt to explain to a teacher that reading something I feel is very vulgar and would be worse than watching an R-rated movie is not something that I want or should be doing.

The response my friend and I got after emailing our teacher and explaining to her our concerns was basically that we are immature and need to realize that sex is a everywhere and that we need to accept it and get over it.  Not only did that upset us both just for the fact that she called us immature, but that she fails to realize that we already realize and accept that sex is everywhere and that describing it graphically in a book doesn't add to the themes or the literary value of the book.  In fact, we feel that it takes away from what it's trying to say.  There are plenty of great novels that say the same things, have the same themes, but don't go into detail about what goes on in the bedroom.  By adding such vulgar and graphic scenes, it forces the readers focus away from the theme/point of the book and places it on the physical aspect of the book.

To make things even worse, the book uses many different profane words that I do not use and try to steer clear of.  One of which I have only heard used maybe thrice and DO NOT tolerate.  It is extremely vulgar and shouldn't be used at all.  I understand that for some books, such as The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, using the N-word is appropriate because it is used to show how slavery and discrimination are awful things that shouldn't be present in society, but the words used in this vulgar book that I am being forced to read is more than I can handle.  I'm not sure exactly how to go about fighting this battle.  I don't really like pulling the "religion" card, but if I have to I will.  Why do people not see how filthy, vulgar, unimaginative, and immoral these things are?  I just don't understand.

thanks a MILLION

Yesterday I turned 19 and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. Ok, I admit, getting flowers would have made it better, but nothing's ever perfect. I woke up in the best mood and my phone didn't stop going off all day with happy birthday texts and updates from facebook. It was so nice to know my friends and family love me. Thank you all so much! You're all amazing and that's why I love ya! (:

Today's agenda includes using my sweet 3D sidewalk chalk that my dear Rebecca gave me yesterday. And that, of course, means pictures galore. And, if I'm not mistaken, the mall may also be on the agenda. I shall consider this birthday day 2, hehe. Not because I feel the need to have two days devoted to me, but because it still feels like my birthday and it's such and fantastic day.

Why?

Why is it that even when you know you've been rejected, for lack of a better word, and sort of played that it's hard to get over? No amount of chocolate, ice cream, frosting, chick flicks, or music seems to make it just disappear. That stupid feeling is like those horrid mosquitoes when you're camping; they just keep coming back every five seconds and you cannot for the life of you get rid of them! I just honestly don't understand why guys think it's OK to do that to girls. Then there's the predicament of whether or not I should tell him off. Would that really make me feel better? Or would it just give me temporary satisfaction that then leaves me with a feeling of being a horrible immature person? I don't really want to know, but I do. I dislike this immensely.

And, I want to bake a pie, but that is not happening. Sad. Oh well, fewer calories for me to consume. (:

alice in wonderland

I just saw Alice In Wonderland in 3D (unfortunately not in imax) and it was pretty much amazing. I was slightly disappointed when I figured out that the music from the soundtrack, "Almost Alice,"was only playing during the credits, but none the less it was amazing. Then again, I really like Tim Burton's work. I think the movie would have been slightly better had it not been as late as it was and if I had been in a slightly better mood. Nothing puts a damper on watching a crazy movie like being all upset about stuff and having more than a million things on your mind that you just can't seem to get rid of.

It was my buddy Justin's 25th birthday today, so in honor of his becoming an "old fart," I baked him brownies, and a bunch of us went to see Alice in Wonderland. All was fine and well; we surprised him when he came home and we were all having a good time just hanging around the apartment. Justin and I started talking and, once again, I started thinking about the whole boy situation. I have officially decided that I was, once again, played. Guys say that girls give off wrong impressions, but they do too. In fact, they lead you on and tell you things and don't mean a single word of it. I really want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and say that he's different, that he really meant what he said, but due to his actions I have to go with my gut and just accept the fact that he lied and I was stupid enough to believe it. I haven't quite figured out why it is that that seems to happen to me all the time. Is it dumb for me to trust people easily? I don't want to be one of those people who generalizes and judges people right away, but I'm starting to think that the only way for me to not get hurt like this anymore is to do just that.

I think the best medicine for all of this is to just go home, which is exactly what I'm doing; I'm going home for the weekend. Sure, I have a huge mountain of homework that I'll have to do while I'm at home, but I need to go home so that I can see my family and talk everything out with one of my best friends. She's like my little sister, but day or night we're there for each other and I couldn't ask for a better friend. She may not understand everything, but she's there when I need her most. That's how you tell who your best friends are; if they're there for you any time day or night no matter what the reason and they don't judge you for anything you do then you've got yourself a best friend and you should never let them go. My best friend almost made me cry, but it was a happy cry. It was nice to finally hear that no matter what, she was my best friend and nothing I could tell her would change that and that she would always be there for me. With all this uncertainty that was just what I needed to hear. I sometimes wish I went to school back home just so I could be around people like that. I do have amazing friends here, but when everything in your new home is so crazy and everything is changing and nothing seems to be changing in your favor, the people and places from your past seem to be the only thing that can comfort you.

People say you should let go of your past, but I don't think you really do. You shouldn't make the same mistakes, which may be difficult depending on the situation, but you should never forget what you've done or the people who passed through your life. They not only are shape decisions made at the time, but they shape how you think, act, and help define who you are. I'm fighting to keep something that I do need to let go, but I will never let myself forget what's happened and who was involved. Doing so would only set me up to make the same mistakes, but to never progress mentally and emotionally. That's something I think everyone needs to work on. So for now I'll continue trying to let go of everything that's happened and hope that I can do so quickly. Sometimes I wish we could feel no sorrow or pain, but that would leave us with no joy or pleasure. Without such joy, sorrow, pain, and pleasure, we would be left with no emotion. With no emotion, we become living robots, doing everything because somebody said it's what we should do. How is that life?

michael bublé works miracles

Despite being horribly upset and sick last night, today was surprisingly nice. Sure, the weather was a lil dreary and I wasn't as productive as I would have liked, but it wasn't as horrible as I thought. I did get quite upset at a friend, but how else was I supposed to react? You can't tell someone that they're pretty much pushing people away by caring and not expect that person to be upset, honestly. I decided that to vent in a healthy manner I'd throw around the softball with Rebecca, something I haven't done in a few years and missed ever so dearly. There's nothing like throwing a ball as hard as you can at someone, it's very soothing.

I also realized something (what a shocker). Even though I was so upset about everything last night, I can't stay mad. I'm still upset about how exactly everything was handled, by both of us, but I honestly can't stay mad. I haven't figured out if it's because I'm one of those hopeless girls who can't stay mad at him or if it's because I've accepted that this is how it is and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm hoping it's the latter, but I don't know if I'll ever figure that one out. Now the only thing I really have to try to figure out is what I'm going to do with my life. I think I have it all figured out, but then something else pops into my head. I know that I don't want to go to medical school anymore, but I don't know if I want to go through everything for pharmacy or for dental hygiene. I basically have to decide this next week because darn registration is so early for me.

I also miss home. Here in Boise I feel like everything moves so much faster, but when I'm back home everything moves really slow and I feel like I have more time to do things. It almost makes me want to take a break from school to just relax, work, save some money, and figure out what I want to do. I know I won't start school again if I do that though, which is rather disappointing. The first chance I get, though, I'm going right back to Europe. Until then I'll just have fun here in Boise. What else am I going to do?

shouldn't have eaten all that ice cream :/

If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that your gut is right about 99% of the time. It doesn't really matter about what; always trust your gut. Why am I telling you this? Well, because, once again, I failed to listen to my gut and low and behold I've been thrust into the endless pit of misery and woe. You're probably thinking that I'm overly emotional and dramatic, and sure I am dramatic and of course I'm emotional I'm a girl, but maybe my story will help you realize that I'm not overreacting.

Let's say you meet a guy and he seems pretty cool and you get to know him and he's pretty much amazing (or so you thought at the time) and you start hanging out more. Then he tells you he really likes you and you really like him and everything seems fine and dandy until he tells you he doesn't want a relationship. Sure he's leaving, but if you really like someone you'll make the long distance thing work and you'll see him when he gets back in a few months and you can still talk and what not. Then he stops talking to you all together. When he sees you again (at the same public function you first met at) he tells you he still wants to hang out, then drives away and doesn't talk to you for a few more days. When you finally get the feeling you should call him and ask what's going on and what you should be thinking he simply tells you that he's not avoiding you, but can't really explain anything at all. Then you're left feeling like an idiot for even thinking things would work out and not listening to your gut when you felt that something was wrong or not to even let yourself get even the tiniest bit close to that guy. And you fight back the tears; tears of anger and feeling stupid. You feel used and it becomes another story to add to the list of you just being another girl to a guy; a girl that was lied to and used to fill a small space of time of boredom and transition.

Do you still think I'm overreacting?

I avoided anything involving letting myself think there was a chance with anyone so that I wouldn't get hurt like this again and what do I do? I let myself think that there may have been a chance that, for once, things would actually work out. And now I'm sitting here unable to smile, unable to even comprehend my stupidity. I should have listened to my gut in the first place; then everything would be ok and i would be smiling again.

random thoughts of the night

So today it really hit me, I'm leaving for college in 10 days. I'm not gonna be around any of my friends, and I'm gonna have to do everything for myself. Talk about scary. When it's farther away you don't really realize how crazy or scary it is, but once it's like a week away you realize it. I'm gonna miss all of my friends. I actually cried today when one of my best friends was talking about me and everything we've been through. You really don't know how much you love, yes I said love, you friends until you start to realize that you won't have them around you anymore. I've had friends move away, I've lost friends, but it's just not the same. I guess it's because I've been relying so heavily this past year on the people around me. Without them I really don't know where I would have ended, as dramatic as that sounds.
I know that you may have already seen this video...but I think it's time to watch it again.
P.S. Don't mind the corny ending (:

latest rant/question

Is it so bad that I want to live MY life the way I want to live it? Is it bad that I don't want to be like everybody but still do the same things? Is it bad that I want to do something with MY life and be successful?

Lately it feels like the answers I get to those questions are yes, yes, yes, and yes. I don't understand why or how that is, but it seems like people think I'm going against everything and that I'm going to ruin my life. For once I'd like people to be happy for me and stop expecting me to live the lives they want me to live. One person is still trying to convince me to go to another school. Another is trying to convince me to go into another profession. And yet another is trying to convince me that I shouldn't even do anything I want to do. Can somebody explain to me how that seems fair, logical, or even comes close to making any sense?

I know exactly what I'm getting into and I know the sacrafices I'm going to have to make. I don't feel I'm doing anything wrong and that's all there really is to it. I would just like people to get off my case about EVERYTHING I do and for once let ME be ME.

I am not becoming of the world, but rather living in the world and making the most of it. I beg of you to find a flaw in that. Please, tell me what is wrong with it.

time to rant and rave

I don't think it matters anymore how hard I try. Whatever I do just isn't ever enough. Maybe they don't understand that losing my best friend, and having to take two jobs, and find another job in Boise while I'm still here, and switching my roommates/dorm, and being ditched by other friends, and having to leave all of my friends behind because they're all going to different schools or living here is a bit more than I can and want to handle. It's like they don't think I have anything going on in my life. Just because I sit on the couch and watch some tv when I wake up because I have a day off doesn't mean I don't have cares. Do they even know what it's like to go through all that crap? Even if I wanted to tell them they wouldn't listen; they never do. It's like they don't care or something. And it bugs me how I will act EXACTLY like my mom, say what she says and how she says it, even just jokingly, and my dad will get mad at me and say that I'm being rude but he won't say a thing when my mom does anything. He won't even say, "Honey, maybe you're being a little too hard on her." NO. She's never in the wrong, it's always me. ALWAYS! I don't even try anymore. It's pointless. They're always unhappy with what I do. The only reason I'm still living here is because I really have nowhere else to go and I have no way of paying for college unless I'm here. That makes it even worse. I don't want to have to rely on them, but I have no choice. I hate being trapped. I want out. I just want to be able to be me and for once have somone realize that I'm doing something right. Is that too much to ask?

.........

So yesterday I had the wonderful privilege of making my schedule for first semester. I have decided that if college is as hard as it was to make the dang schedule for it.....I will do horrible. Trying to figure out times and stuff was ridiculous...and on top of all of that...i only have 10 minutes to get from one building to the next on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But all is well (I hope). I got the schedule finalized and now I just get to sit around and wait until I actually start them.

Anyway, I was at BSU for orientation/registration this weekend, obviously, and it was a BLAST!! I sang karaoke.....not a very pleasant sight. I also made a complete and total fool of myself in front of not only every freshman there but also all the orientation leaders who I have to go to school with. Not that that's anything new, but still. I guess if they think I'm weird...well...then they pretty much know who I am. And for the record...Zach isn't sexy.

Tomorrow I also start my new adventure at Payless. And I have to manage getting that schedule and my McD's schedule to mesh so I don't have to be at two places at once or get fired from one of those jobs. I do get discounts on shoes though.....so trust me....unless I worked at a chocolate store I couldn't be any happier. =]

thinking..yet again

So I've been thinking lately...I mean there is the obvious quesiton of whether or not I will make a smooth transition when moving to Boise, but have I fully accepted the fact that I really am leaving and I'll pretty much be on my own?

If there's one thing I learned while doing all this horrid thinking [i feel i think waaaay too much] it's that you really do have to just move on and you can't let your past hold you back. Ya...life sometimes sucks and people will hurt you and lie and do stupid stuff, but you can't let that get in the way of things. If you let your past control you, you don't have an open mind and then you'll never laugh, nevery experience life, never find true happiness. You'll constantly be looking for something to complain about, or to not trust someone, or to claim someone hurt you when really you're the one hurting yourself.

You also have to make things happen. Sitting around doing nothing and hoping for something to happen won't make something happen. Many a time I've sat on my couch or here in this very chair in front of my computer or the tv and waited for something to happen, someone to make plans. And yet it never happens. The best way is to just make plans yourself...start something...LEAD don't follow.

But don't mind my random rants. I just think a lot and it's best to get these things out or my mind goes crazy and I can't think straight.

finally here

I'M FINALLY HOME! It feels great to be home. I seriously almost screamed when we landed in Lewiston from pure excitement. All the pictures are finally in.

This is the road up to a little village called Sinariego. The old house my mom was born in is up there.

Here's the old wood stove they used for heat and cooking.
And it's not really dirty, but the ceiling is falling apart because it's so old.

Here's the bathroom. It's really old and hasn't been used in forever, hence the dirt that got stuck to the seat. It's a little outhouse, not a regular bathroom in the house.

I have many more pics, but I still have to sort through them all. I'll get them up ASAP. I promise!

España

So if you read this...that's cool. I'm in Spain right now....livin it up I guess you could say. HAHA! There will be tons of pics after I get home...but for the time being I'm stuck with all my pics on my camera and can't put em on any puter. I have about a week and a half left here...but I wish I had more time. I love it here....even tho I don't have my phone...bed...puter...car....and the rest of my friends...but life goes on and I still love it here. I'll have to tell you about the rest of it when I'm back or when I have more time to do anything on the puter...it's time for yet another HUGE dinner at some relative's house. So .... I guess I'll fill ya in when i can!
[[peace]]

[[HAHAHAHAHAHAHA]]

ok.. so i totally realized that this past summer i was soo ridiculously retarded
and btw.... war is lame
green is AMAZING... environmentally green that is... haha
and indie rocks my freakin socks.... more so than metal and other stuff haha
and being carefree is WONDERFUL

just more thoughts

So by saying this I'll probably jinx myself, but I must say that my online health class isn't that hard. I'm really happy about that. It gives me time to still hang out and goof off. Nothing new has happened in quite some time. I think that that needs to change. Although, I did go on a trek with my church. We had a blast, even tho it was really hard and hot and dusty. I'll put some pics up so y'all can see.
Have a great one!!

Who said you couldn't be creative?

My "lovely" bonnet... HA!

Ya, we pulled those..... *flexes muscles*

So Erin's a lil taller than me.. hehe

We took my hair out the last day.... and it looked like this.... WOW!!